Yes, you can have a life in grad school
A guide to being an almost-close-to-normal twenty-something who also happens to be getting their PhD
“But I’ll be thirty when I finish graduate school!”
“Julia, would you rather be thirty with a PhD or without one?”
I have repeated this conversation many times in my head and to anyone who will listen. Before I decided to get my PhD in biology, I had heard so many horror stories about graduate school.
The one I couldn’t get out of my mind was a Reddit post from a PhD student, who proclaimed they had to sacrifice attending many important family events for their PhD and that was just the way it was. This was particularly concerning to me: I prioritize my family over almost all else, and I had been working for over a year at a company that allowed me the flexibility to take time off when I needed it. Was I really willing to sacrifice 6 years of my life for a degree? Sacrifice suddenly felt like a much more accurate way to describe graduate school.
I am here to tell you that life continues after you start your PhD program. Yes, you will be busy, but life marches on, and you can prioritize the things that mean the most to you. I have hosted many dinner parties, watched many movies, seen family, and just recently got married (planning a wedding while in grad school deserves a post of its own— I’ll leave that for next time). The most important thing I can tell you is graduate school is hard, but neglecting your friends and family is harder. I had no desire to look back at my PhD and feel like I was frozen in time, and now, as a fifth-year, I can confidently say I did not let that happen.
So here are some things I found important when trying to prioritize a work-life balance and enjoy my twenties during graduate school:
- Choosing my advisor: All labs have different environments, and each individual graduate experience is extremely advisor-dependent. Before I joined my lab, I had honest conversations with my potential PIs. I asked them about their mentorship style and views on lab hours and vacation time. If it was clear our values aligned, I took that as a good sign.
- Understanding that being “too busy” is often an excuse: I learned pretty quickly that if I decide to prioritize something, I can make it happen. Even if I can’t stay at a party until 2am, I try to go for a couple hours and say hi to my friends. If I can’t spend two weeks with my grandparents, I try to fit in a long weekend with them or bring some work with me to do during down times. And yes, there are certainly days where I have to say no, but I try to recognize that is an active choice I am making, not one I am being forced to make by my program.
- Trying new things: Yes, it’s a little cliché, but I have noticed a huge boost in my mood when I take the time to explore or try a new hobby. I recently rediscovered running, and it has helped me immensely during a particularly tough time in my program. I have some friends that joined the club sports teams and others that learned how to sail. I recommend seeing what amazing things your new city has to offer—saying “yes” is totally your friend!
- Appreciating the lighter work-load semesters: Last semester I wasn’t TAing, preparing for my qualifying exam, or trying to get a paper out. I tried to let myself enjoy the lighter months. I knew that there would be months where I needed to buckle down and say no to things. There are sacrifices we all must make in grad school, but we don’t have to make them all the time. Also, having less busy periods has kept my energy levels up during the crazy ones.
I have seen my classmates fall in love, deal with crises, and experience life in a new city. We’ve traveled to new states and countries. We’ve cared for ill loved ones and celebrated the births of new ones.
Sounds a lot like living life to me.
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